Fucktard Rants… Attempting to Put a Stop to Stupidity the World Over because Stupid People Suck!

I wrote a rant about one of my staff before. Please read the Fat Ass post to know the dipshit I am dealing with. This woman is a total drama queen, the excuse princess, and her life must be pretty difficult as you will see. She also calls “off” constantly despite the fact that she has the weekends off.

Yesterday the Drama Queen emailed me to let me know that during her days off she was in the hospital for walking pneumonia. She was feeling better she said, and her cough was tons better but she was taking the night off. She said she needed rest because during her 3 days in the hospital that they came in every 20 minutes to take her blood pressure, to take her blood, or to make her do breathing tests. It apparently exhausted her to lay in a bed.

I don’t know what hospital it is… but damn they give good care. When I was in the hospital a few years ago – in the ICU unit mind you, I had to buzz for the nurses. They weren’t showing up every 20 minutes for the ICU unit. And 3 days hospital stay for walking pneumonia? Whoa, that’s good insurance she has! My 70 yr old father with his heart condition and pace maker had full blown pneumonia and they only kept him overnight.

So basically the Drama Queen had 3 days of laying in the hospital doing nothing, and she needed rest from that. Doesn’t her fat ass kid keep her busier in a normal day with all his head injuries? Surely she should need more rest from that reject, right?

Another time she told me she was in the hospital this year (yes apparently she spends a lot of time there between her problems and the fat ass kids) it was for some queer stomach issue that she didn’t name to me. But she did tell me her doctor told her she should have bed rest for a week. I want her insurance, her hospital, and her damn doctor because mine actually just write me a prescription and tell me to go back to my normal routines….. like my job.

I feel like I run a fucktarded special education class instead of a business.

On a consistent basis I am assaulted by stupid Fucktards asking me for money. I am not referring to the constant requests around the office and by my family to put in for someone’s birthday, upcoming wedding, upcoming birth, retirement, etc (although this irritates the fuck out of me too). I am referring to the lazy shit for brains Fucktards that sit on the bridge when I walk past with a cup and expect me to give them change. I understand that sometimes people become homeless and cannot make ends meet. This happens. This is what I pay into welfare for and why shelters exist. This is not a license for you to pester me on a daily basis to give you my money. I work for a living. Get off your lazy ass and get a fucking job. I park on the outskirts of the city I work in and then walk across a bridge to get to my office. I do this because I am trying to save some of the money I WORK for and the parking is cheaper. Almost everyday I see one of three different people who sit on the bridge and hold out a cup to people walking by. Amazingly they all hold the same sign. If you can spend the money on a black magic marker to make your fucking sign, then use that to spend on some food. The funny thing is that I only see them on warm, sunny days. Where do they go when it is cold or raining? Why the fuck don’t they go there all the time? It appears that they can find somewhere when the weather is not good, why can’t they find somewhere permanently to live? I may actually be willing to part with $.50 if you were sitting in the snow. You may think I am ignorant, but I have seen these same three people for a few years sitting in the same spots. You can’t find a fucking job in YEARS? You think it is my responsibility to carry your lazy ass? I find it sort of amusing that almost every time I walk past them, they ask for my help by giving them my spare change. Now, I have been walking past you for years and I have never given you anything before. What the fuck makes you think that I am going to give you anything today? Did you magically become more pathetic since I saw you yesterday? Believe me, I am not going to give you anything today and I am especially not going to give you anything on the days that you and your girlfriend are sitting together asking for money. She is obviously well fed with that extra 300 pounds she is carrying. Why don’t you just eat her? It makes me sick every time I have to walk past them. Unfortunately, these are not the only people who ask me for money. Everywhere I go, there is some Fucktard with their hand out asking for my money for some stupid reason. It is like I am a magnet for this shit. I certainly don’t look rich and I don’t have any fucking money either, so just piss off. What makes someone go up to a complete stranger and expect them to just give them something because you have some sob story about how you are a big Fucktard and screwed up your life. I was sitting in a CrapDonald’s parking lot the other day eating my lunch while on the way to another office for my JOB, when this Fucktard comes up and knocks on my window asking me for money to buy a hamburger. Who the fuck do you think you are? Do I look like a fucking ATM? I have had children ask me for money to play crane machines in stores (go bother the moron who spawned you), I have had fucking Hari Krishna’s, or some other fucked up religious assholes, ask me to “donate money for” (buy) their prophets stupid book at a rock concert, and I have had other Fucktards come up to me outside a bar asking for money to make a phone call so they can get home. I don’t give a shit about your problem or pathetic life, so quit bothering me. Maybe I should have a sign that says “Fuck off and explode. I don’t have any money either and you don’t see me whining about it”. I can then just wear this around my neck and these dick weeds can leave me alone.

If you don’t know what you are talking about, please learn not to speak at all. While moronic sayings can amuse me at times, it mostly just pisses me off. Much like Vulgar’s rant about Rainbow Brite and her “Jewish Times”, I am constantly bombarded by idiotic comments that I believe actually make me stupider for hearing them. I have known a person for my entire life who makes comments like this. For sake of keeping their true identity secret we will call them something else, like “mom”. Now “mom” can be a true Fucktard at times. One time “mom” and I were discussing nationality. This can be interesting because “mom” is a cornucopia of different nationalities and it is fun to try to figure them all out. Suffice to say that “mom” has had an ancestor in pretty much every Slovak nation. Now in describing her nationality, “mom” said that she is a “White Russian”. Now, “mom” is not Russian at all, but she is part Ukrainian, so this could be true. (For you Fucktards that think a White, Red or Black Russian is just a drink, you should read up on European history. In particular the parts about the Russian revolution and how it had a huge impact on communism in Europe). Since I know that “mom” is a Fucktard, I am sure that this is not what she means, so I ask her if she knows what a White Russian is. She says “No, this is what my father used to say, so that’s what I say too”. Why would you call yourself something that you don’t know what it is? If your father used to say that you were a Fucktard, would you tell people that also? After explaining to her what a white Russian is (in very simple terms), she then says “Oh, I guess I am not one after all”. What a freaking brainchild. This is also the person who was referring to the Middle East as “all those ‘Islam’ people” at times. (I believe that she meant Muslim and I hope I don’t have to explain that there are many more religions than Muslimism in the Middle East as well). This just goes to show that not all Fucktardism is inherited. Even if you come from Fucktards, you can surpass it with some effort and a little intelligence. Thank God I don’t live with and have to hear stupid shit from this one everyday anymore.

On a similar note, we were having a discussion at work the other day about the conflict between Lebanon and Israel. One of my co-workers (who is usually a lot smarter, but I have found that anyone can be a Fucktard at any time) started saying how it wasn’t fair that Israel was bombing Lebanese cities because people were being killed and “ it is not their fault that the terrorists are working in their country, they didn’t want them there”. If they didn’t want them there, why the fuck did they elect some of them into the government? This led to a discussion on why everyone in the Middle East hates Israel. It then comes out that this person did not even know how Israel came about and the situation that has led up to the point where we are now. I don’t expect everyone to be up on world history. It is not that big of a deal if you know nothing about what is occurring in other parts of the planet. You can live your life and not worry about other countries or political situations. This is all OK. However, if you don’t know anything that is going on, then please, just shut the fuck up. Your uninformed opinion just makes my head hurt and reinforces that thought that everyone I meet is a Fucktard.

In the past I worked with a girl I call Rainbow Brite. She was a complete drooling fucktard in every way. One of her stupid stunts was that she had to “stick her hand in the cookie jar” constantly.

She’d be given a tool to use for work, a Microsoft Database or an Excel spreadsheet that was pre-made to use. The intention was to organize her stupid ass, and all she had to do was physically input information and then leave it alone. But she was a “picker”, she was “nosy” about shit she didn’t even understand. She actually thought she was smart enough to learn or figure things out so she would start clicking around and making changes. She always wanted to change things to make it HER way rather than what everyone else did/used. Eventually she’d fuck it all up of course. This brilliant action happened CONSTANTLY and for someone who wanted to learn so badly – she never seemed to get the real lesson involved which was “leave it ALONE dumb ass”. This always, as you might guess, created more work for her (because now you have to start all over) and for me. The latter is what pissed me off to no end. If you are such a fucktard that you don’t mind having to do everything twice and wasting weeks of time repairing your stupid mistakes… then fine. But don’t involve ME or anyone else in your nonsense. I’m busy actually working and doing my job you dipshit. Rainbow Brite went away, quit because she got tired of being yelled at for all of HER stupid mistakes. I had a party.

This little story brings me to my current situation. A new receptionist who is VERY part time was brought back after she had created a drama and quit impulsively 2 years ago. If I was the owner I would not take this type of person back, but I don’t have that control so it’s not my choice. So I will make the best of it. She has been back now almost 3 weeks.

This receptionist I will names as The Instigator, because ultimately that’s what she is…. a little bit of a trouble maker. She isn’t by any means stupid, yet she is still fast proving herself to be a fucktard.

We use a special database that gets used as one huge file and it is passed to each receptionist daily as a “live” file. It’s always updated this way and it’s just how we do things. This file contains everything for our business, including payroll information and the exact commissions that our contractors have earned. I almost never have a live file, I use it only to check on things after it is done, because I am the manager… I oversee what they input into it.

Last week the Instigator told me she deleted some files that are in the Administrative area (mine) AFTER she did it. She said it nonchalantly, so I got what she said, but didn’t feel it was a major issue even though I didn’t like it right away. I just felt she was overstepping the line. The next day I got a copy of the updated file and she had deleted tons of shit I had in it, for a reason. I know this is a shock… but sometimes a manager does know what they are doing, sometimes there is a reason they do something.

Of course this created a huge amount of work for me. I had to print out all the old notes, and now I was forced to decide what needed to be returned. Since I don’t have a “live” file I had to impose on another receptionist to replace all these notes. It got fixed, and back to what the MANAGER (me) wanted. I then sent an email to the Instigator explain that she is not to touch the admin area again and my reasons for it. It was polite and I told her it was my fault that I misunderstood it when she told me. I took part of the blame, even though I did nothing wrong. I did not HAVE to explain myself because I am her boss, but I did so that it made sense why she shouldn’t do it again. She of course started to gossip with another receptionist and told her how MEAN I was to her. She took it VERY personally that she fucked up MY job. What an idiot. For me, I laughed, it only made me see her as The Instigator even more.

Last night….. Guess what Instigator did? She started with her nosy picking AGAIN after she was told to knock it off politely. She, like Rainbow Brite, has to mess with shit that they don’t know anything about or the things that do not concern her. The Instigator had to call me on my TIME OFF to confess that she messed with the file and now fucked up payroll for some of the contractors! Again, more time is involved for me to repair the damage that some jack off did. More time I have to impose on another receptionist etc. Leave it ALONE Instigator. Stop it! Quite touching stuff!

The Instigator is NOT a stupid person. She is not a drooling incompetent idiot like Rainbow Brite was. The Instigator is actually a lot SMARTER, but apparently has her own little control issues. Not ALL fucktards are low IQ dummies, some are fucktards in “secret”. Some fucktards are smart people that do fucktarded things. Just stop it damn it.

I’m not a “news” person by nature, but I do try to force myself to watch it occasionally to keep up with what is going on in the world. I don’t want to turn into a fucktard of course. I have two basic rants of local TV News reporters. I can’t imagine this only happens in my own area… but it’s possible we breed ‘em extra dumb around here.

Number 1 – stop pretending you have a damn personality. I don’t like it, you piss me off, and it bores me. I don’t want to hear about your stupid children, your weekend plans, your “in” jokes, weddings you’ve gone to and etc. I’m TRYING to get to the NEWS for God’s sake. All these topics have been on my local news channel this week from stupid chick reporters that all need a serious makeover.. Shut up gawd. Report the news, do your job, and piss off. You have no personality anyway. You are trying way too hard to be likeable and all it does it make me more disgusted.

Number 2 – Get a journalism degree. Oh, you say you HAVE one. Then take the public speaking class again you stuttering stumbling fool. My lord they cannot go through a 30 minute newscast without sounding like a fucktard. I don’t get this. It’s your career, get your shit together. A frickin’ heart surgeon doesn’t get the shakes every 30 minutes and get to keep his/her job. The point is there are plenty of other professions out there that educated people manage to do without constant fuck ups.

I know what you are thinking (unless you are a fucktard and just drooling) you are thinking “well this is why they are only local news reporters”. I tell myself this too all the time, but it continues to annoy me anyway.

I don’t know about you Fucktards, but I was taught at a very young age (i.e. Kindergarten) how to stay between the lines. You had to stay between the lines when coloring a picture as well as stay between the lines on the paper when you were writing and practicing your alphabet or spelling. Somewhere after this, Fucktards lose the ability to stay between the lines (if they ever learned how in the first place). I can give you two examples of this.

When I worked at a past job, I used to have to drive through a low income housing apartment area a lot. This is one of those fun places that have a mixture of townhouses and apartments and always have such great pretentious names like Holiday Acres or Suburban Estates. Anyway, I am driving through here and this large woman, with her six or seven illegitimate children, steps out into the middle of the road in front of my car – thus forcing me to come to a sudden stop. She immediately starts flapping her arms and squawking about my needing to slow down (I had just turned a corner from a stop sign and was doing maybe 20 MPH) and to watch out for her children. Now, when did this become my duty? Just because the government forces me to pay to support your spawn, it does not mean that I automatically then have to take the responsibility of watching out for and protecting them. That falls squarely onto your fat, government-issue cheese eating, Fucktarded shoulders. And possible one of the multitude of baby-daddies associated with you. Unless they have all taken off already. Anyway, here is this barnacle on society jumping up and down in the middle of road and babbling incoherently, although colorfully, and pointing at a sign by the sidewalk. Amongst the ranting, I make out the words to the effect of “can’t you read?” Yes I can. I have been able to read for a very long time and can clearly make out that the sign says “Yield to Pedestrians in the Crosswalk”. Do you know what the word Crosswalk means Fucktard? I don’t know where you, the reader, lives, but where I live most crosswalks are at the corner of the street. Whether they are at the corner or not, every one that I have ever seen is CLEARLY and DISTINCTLY marked with big white or white and yellow lines. This means that it is safe to cross the street here. That large expanse of unmarked pavement is a FUCKING ROAD. This has been designed for AUTOMOBILES. It is not safe to decide to cross this part and expect people that are driving to have to accommodate you. That would be the thinking of a Fucktard.

Today I watched this really fucking intelligent asswipe try to do a similar thing. I have told you that I work in a large metropolitan city and walk into my job everyday. Many other people also walk in. Most of the time, you have to cross streets. A lot of these streets are 4 or 5 lane roads with a large amount of traffic. This means that when you cross, you have to watch out for many drivers, as well as busses and it is probably the smart (and safer) idea to cross at the crosswalk when the lights are with you. This does not seem to be the case for Fucktards though. They think they can just walk across wherever they feel like. This shit head walks out into the middle of traffic to cross the road and almost gets hit twice. He actually stood there in the middle of the road with a shocked expression on his slack jawed face, unable to believe that this almost happened. He even whined once he had made it across the street that he was almost run over. Could you honestly not see that coming Nostradumbass? How about this one then. Can you predict whether you should be punched in the back of the head or have a foot shoved up your ass? Please, if you are a Fucktard, go back to your kindergarten teachings and try to learn something. Either that or don’t complain when someone does their duty and flattens you under a bus.

Why can’t people just do their fucking jobs? Due to the nature of my work, I cannot get into specifics about what I do. Suffice to say that I have a position of some authority and part of the responsibilities of my organization are to assist other companies in troubleshooting certain areas of their work. A couple of weeks ago, I was called in to review a situation at a company and give them a response on what I found. I completed this and sent them a report on what they did incorrectly and gave suggestions on what they could do to correct the issues. I received a response from the person in charge of their company thanking me for doing the review and stating that they would take my suggestions and look at improving what I found to be wrong. This is fine. This is what I expect. This is why I went there in the first place. Since that time, I have received a phone call every day from a variety of Fucktards in this company (who are all lower than the head of the company). If they were calling me to ask for suggestions on how to implement what I told them, or ask for further clarification, this would be fine. This would be part of my job. But No. These Fuckatrds have to call me everyday to whine and complain about everything. An example of some of the things I have had to hear follows:

1. We don’t really agree with how you wrote the report. It makes us look like we did not do anything that we were supposed to. Answer: Well, you didn’t you stupid Fucktard. That’s why I wrote it.

2. We don’t really agree with the way that you looked at everything and how you came to your conclusion. Answer: I don’t care if you agree with it. It is not like I make this shit up on some whim and decide to tell you about it just to fuck with you. It is based on a specific set of rules that any company that does the same work as you has to follow. You know this. It is not new information. Your company has been in business for a long time and you have been in your position for a long time as well. All of your crying and whining about being caught for fucking up to me is not going to change this. I will not suddenly decide that you are right and change all of the rules for you because I like you. You annoy me in other aspects as well already so just deal with it.

3. In looking back at what I told you originally, I don’t think that I put it in the way that I liked and gave my side clearly. Answer: OK….. So what the fuck do you want me to do about that? Is it my fault that you cannot organize yourself and come up with a coherent thought? Is this now supposed to become my problem? I did not tell you what to say, you told me all of this yourself. It came out of your teeny head. I can assure you that incompetence on your part does not constitute a problem on my part. Just because you have had some time to think about it and come up with an explanation as to why you are a dumbass, doesn’t mean I have to listen to it now.

This is just an example of a few of the highly irritating conversations I have had. I have other work to do. I have finished with this situation and have moved on. Just fucking fix it. If you had done your fucking job right in the first place, then we would not have had to go through all of this shit and I would not have to hear your pitiful excuses as to why you couldn’t just do your job. It is because of Fucktards like this that there is a huge dent in the shape of my head on the top of my desk.

Let me start this out by saying that I have the utmost respect for firemen. It is a tough, dangerous job and anyone who does this for a living should be commended. However, like any other profession, there are a certain amount of Fucktards who are also firemen. So the power goes out in my house overnight the other day. When I get up in the morning to get ready for work, the power is still out and I cannot do most of my normal morning routine – including making breakfast. I decide to go out and get some fast food crap so that I can eat and still be on time for work. I drive down the road toward the local strip of restaurants and when I come to an intersection, the lights are out and there are two firemen standing in the middle of the street. One of them comes over to the car and asks where I am going, so I reply “to CrapDonald’s to get some breakfast”. His reply: “No, you ain’t”. The he just stands there. And stands there. And stands there, by my window. After a minute or so, I have to ask the obvious question “Why not?” He says “Because the power is out all along this area and none of the restaurants are open”, then goes back and stands in the middle of the intersection. Now, this seems to be a reasonable answer (even though he couldn’t think to tell me right away), so I wait for him to resume directing traffic. Why else would he be standing in the middle of an intersection where the lights are out? I still don’t know what he was doing other than picking his ass, which I watched him do several times. I guess he was hot just standing in the middle of an intersection in the morning in his fire proof pants and T-Shirt. I waited a good 5-10 minutes watching Gomer Pyle pick his ass and stare off into space while there are now cars 3-4 deep at each part of the intersection. Now you may ask what the second fireman was doing. I ask the same question. He appeared to be doing nothing except sit on the curb watching the other Fucktard picking his ass too. After waiting a while, I decided to take things into my own hands and turned up another street so that I could go somewhere else. You may think that Fireman Fucktard would have noticed this as I had to drive right past him to do so. No, he doesn’t notice. He just continues to pick his ass and stare into space. I actually went back to that intersection after work, just to check and see if he was still there. I guess someone finally told him to go home. I don’t think he could have figured that idea out on his own. If my house ever catches on fire, I hope they put this dipshit on traffic duty again and let the real firemen do their jobs. Maybe that was why he was sent there in the first place.

I worked with a chick I’ll dub as Rainbow Brite because she is very concerned with calling herself an artist… but not worried that the art she creates is below average. We worked in an independent style business where I was her boss and she didn’t do anything I said. It worked best when I ignored it, but often the fucktard issue couldn’t be ignored.

Which brings me to today’s rant, mainly for the humor factor. It’s been quite a while ago since this happened, but it still can crack me up anytime I think of it. Rainbow Brite had a way of flaunting her stupidity like she was almost proud of it. She’d sometimes like to get into religious or historical discussions and she knew nothing about either. She once told me she couldn’t wait to watch Pearl Harbor so she could learn some history. I said, “Gee Rainbow you know that’s actually fiction right?” and she responded with, “well yeah but I can still learn about history”.

Probably around the time of the Iraq War starting I was explaining to her some of the horrific crimes that Saddam had committed against his own people. She did not know ANY of this, she did not even know where the Middle East WAS. So she listened as I wove her a story as if it were a movie, something she could understand. Her response was… and I am quoting it EXACTLY….

Rainbow Brite: “ooooooh so it’s kinda like… oh, what’s that movie called”?

Vulgar: “um what movie?”.

Rainbow Brite: “oh you know which one I mean”.

Vulgar: “um no I don’t. Tell me some tidbit about it and I’ll probably know”.

Rainbow Brite: “oh what is the name of it? Damnit. The one about the Jewish Times”.

Vulgar: “The JEWISH TIMES? What the hell are you talking about”.

Rainbow Brite” yeah you know the one about the Jewish Times”.

Vulgar: “Rainbow…. Do you mean the HOLOCAUST?”

Rainbow Brite: “that might be it, what else”.

Vulgar: “you mean like World War II? The Holocaust? Was the movie you meant Schindler’s List?”.

Rainbow Brite: “that’s the name of it”.

I kid you not. This is 100% true. The woman was 43 years old and did not know about WWII or the Holocaust…….just a movie.

Listen up Fucktards. This is a necessary announcement that someone may have never told you. YOU ARE NOT THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT. The world does not revolve around you. What you say will not ultimately show any improvement in the social fabric or life on this earth in general. Since you now know this, this means that you can shut the fuck up and quit talking on a cell phone to any other Fucktard every second of your life – no matter where you are. Unless you are the leader of a nation or otherwise have to make important life or death situations at a moments notice, you do not have to be able to be contacted 24 hours a day by any butt-reaming dipshit that knows you. Now, let me point out that I do own a cell phone. I use it for work. When I am not working, my cell phone sits on a desk in my home. When I am not working, I do not take it with me to places such as the store, the movies, the park, driving in my car, etc. Basically I do not take it anyplace where if it happens to ring, I do not talk on it about my inconsequential life and what mundane thing that I happen to be doing at the time to any other Fucktard who happened to want to talk to me, so that every other person in the immediate area can also hear about my pitiful existence. This is because I am not a Fucktard. Far be it for you Fucktards to go away and talk somewhere that you cannot be overheard. No, you think that you are that important that the rest of the world needs to accommodate you. You then expect people to give you some privacy when you are talking on the phone. In case you did not know it, the definition of the word PUBLIC is the complete opposite of PRIVATE. If you want to talk in private, go somewhere that you can do so – like your own fucking home. That way you don’t annoy the rest of the world in public who can get along just fine without hearing how you can’t decide if skim or 2% milk is better or that your friend’s sister’s neighbor said something that you didn’t like. I was at a video store looking to rent a movie when this Fucktard was in the same aisle as me talking on a cell phone about the movies that were available to some other Fucktard. Every time I moved away from them, they would follow me into the next aisle and stand right next to me. This chattering magpie then seemed to get annoyed when I started making loud disgusted noises because I was interrupting HER phone conversation. Get off your fat ass and come down to the video store to look at movies yourself if you want to watch one. Don’t send the loudest fucking moron to tell you what is available. Better yet, all of you just stay home so I don’t have to hear from any of you. That way, you can take any call you want from any other Fucktard in their home and not disturb anyone. The same goes for driving. There are laws against talking on a phone while driving for a reason. That is because you Fucktards cannot walk and think at the same time, so what makes you think you can talk on a phone and drive at the same time? I guess you were walking when that bright idea hit and you couldn’t pay attention at the time. Since there were a lot of words in between my first statement and now, and whenever you learn something new, something old falls out of your pointed little heads, let me reiterate - YOU ARE NOT THAT FUCKING IMPORTANT. The world does not revolve around you. What you say will not ultimately show any improvement in the social fabric or life on this earth in general. Since you now know this again, this means that you can shut the fuck up and quit talking on a cell phone to other Fucktards every second of your life – no matter where you are. Take this as a mantra. Repeat it to yourself many, many times. Hopefully one day it will sink in through the sludge you call your brain.

Ok fucktards. Here is a tip about your manners while in public, because this just truly pisses me off to no end. You go to the grocery store, you get your shopping cart filled, and then go through the check out line. Everything is fine, you may not have even annoyed anyone in the store. But your manners are not done fuck wad. After you load up your piece of shit car… put the SHOPPING CART in the cart return. You know that area with the beams and big sign that says RETURN CART HERE? That’s what it is for. Gawd this annoys me. Don’t leave it at the end either, push it IN as far as you can so others can use the cart return properly too without having to clean up your mess. Why is this so difficult? You probably didn’t mind gobbling up the free samples, asking cashiers and clerks stupid questions, so do the poor staff a favor and help keep their job easier.

Ok another one of my pet peeves is the way fucktarded people in your life make assumptions about what you do, what your motivation is, and yet they never even ask. I worked with a fucktard (Rainbow Brite) for years that constantly made assumptions. We were once good friends until I could longer handle the ridiculousness. Anyway here is a sample of one of those conversations….

Vulgar says: “Yes my goal with the blog on our business website is to make sure it has fresh content which gets us more exposure, and listed on more directories”.

Fucktard says: “oooooh I ASSumed you were just doing it cuz you were just thinking up more work to do and I can’t handle all that”.

If you happen to be a fucktard and your boss or work associate asks you to do something… anything, there is probably a very logical reason. If the scope of your thinking is so narrow to imagine that people invent work for literally no reason then you may need to see a shrink for more then “just a consultation”. And good grief if you really don’t know, then ASK a simple question. Because if you ASSUME then you’ll make an ASS out of U and Me… but mainly YOU.

Now I am not by any means a “fashionable” type of guy. I have never read GQ or wore any designer clothes that were not bought for me by someone else. I am, however, NOT a Fucktard. This means that I know how to dress in public and can look presentable. In my mind, there are only three rules of fashion and they are:

If you shouldn’t be wearing a belly shirt or tube top – then don’t. Even if you can get away with wearing a tube top – don’t. Here is a reality tip for most of the Fucktards that I see wearing these. No one wants to see your love handles and stretch marks. It is not attractive in the least and just makes everyone want to throw up. For those of you who think you can get away with this because you have larger assets up top – the only reason you have larger assets is because you are fat everywhere else as well. I saw this load the other day walking through town with the front of her shirt pulled up and tucked through her bra. There were mounds of flesh hanging so low that you could not see the waist of her pants through the flubber. It was bouncing up and down when she walked and honestly looked like a jellyfish stranded on a mile wide beach of denim flopping around. After holding my lunch down by gagging several times, it dawned on me that this Fucktard was walking around smiling and holding her dirtbag boyfriend’s hand in public. She was proud of the way she looked. Please, for all of our sakes, before you leave the house look in fucking the mirror. If you can honestly think that you look good with most of your obese body exposed, then you should be shot. This rule applies to men who think that mesh shirts are attractive too. News Flash – they went out in the 70’s with all the other hideous clothes and just make you look like you are trying to smuggle wire brushes under you shirt.

As we are on the subject of men, pull your fucking pants up and buy a belt. I saw this overweight Fucktard today walking down the street holding his pants up because they were drooping so low. Isn’t it bad enough that you have to by 10X already? Do you really need to go that extra mile and get the 15X’s? How are you going to continue to stuff Ho Ho’s in your maw if you have to hold your pants up? Droopy pants are all well and good for the asinine criminals to wear. We all have gotten a good laugh while watching COPS and when some stupid criminal is running away, his pants fall down around his ankles tripping him. I encourage this behavior with criminals. It makes it a lot easier to catch them. For the rest of you Fucktards, you just look stupid.

Finally, and this really pisses me off to no end, FLIP FLOPS ARE NOT SHOES! I am not talking about sandals or a thick-soled open top shoe - I am talking about the $.50 Blue Light K-Mart special foam and plastic shower tongs. As the name implies, these are meant for the SHOWER or the Beach and should not be worn as shoes. Everyday I see these fucking dim-witted nimrods (both men and women) walking around with these in public. It takes all of my will power not to walk over and stomp on their dirt encrusted hairy toes. Wear them at home in your backyard, not in public. When I go into a convenience store I want to get what I wanted to buy and get out. Not look at your feet. Are there no dress codes for work anymore? I work in a large metropolitan city and after parking I walk into my office. Have you ever looked at what on is the street? Everyday I see used bandages, syringes, the spot where some out-of-work shit-faced drunken Fucktard has passed out and either puked or pissed and shit themselves as well as bird shit, spit and general grime. I notice these things because I look at the ground when I am walking to lessen the urge to kill every stupid Fucktard I see. You mental giants with your flip flops on are walking through the same sludge that I do everyday. The only difference is that my SHOES protect my feet from this crap. You are just adding to your already overwhelming cruddiness. Maybe I will get lucky and some plague will come and wash all the scum off the world because it can only be contracted through your toenails.

Ok I have another work rant. I hired a chick for the low man on the totem pole job at the company I work for. These are work at home positions, and all you pretty much have to do is answer the phone when it rings and help the customer with what they want/ask for. A monkey could do it, in fact there are other monkeys working under me as I type this that seem to do their job just fine.

So I hire Amanda. She has experience, a pleasant speaking voice, and the ability to combine words together in to sentences which are the main requirements. But I am such a strict boss and the company policy is also strict… we require that if you can not work your CHOSEN shift that you call the office number and tell them so. Please read that sentence again… these fucktards get to CHOOSE their schedule, work from home, and they are independent contractors so we never tell them they can’t have time off. All they need to do is just let us know. It sounds pretty simple doesn’t it? This is a cake job for any competent person. But guess what…. most people are not competent.

So back to Amanada. She had some trouble with this whole calling off thingie. It confused her, and often. She barely ever showed up for her Sunday work shift. She was always late to her shift, left early, and to call her scatterbrained is a compliment. You get the point right? Let me also not forget to mention that she would contact the office receptionists to tell them she “had to take her dog outside to make a peepee”. That’s a direct quote. Everyone pretty much wanted to see me put a bullet in her head, and I did consider it a few times. I was a good manager though, and just told her to get her shit together. Finally it was obvious she couldn’t do that, so I told her that I was terminating her contract….. which in plain English means “fuck off fuck face”.

That was about 2 months but today she messaged me online. She said:

Fucktard [10:45 A.M.]: Hi Vulgar, this is Amanda, not sure if you remember me, but I was wondering. I have been trying to find work as a receptionist and thought you might have a better idea as to where to look. I have had no luck. I do have experience. Thanks for your time

I think we all know that what she was really saying is that she wants a job back with us but wants the “better” position that pays hourly rather than the one that pays per consultation. I have my quota of fucktards in that position already. If I’m wrong about her intention, then somebody explain to me why would you ask the manager that FIRED you – to HELP you find a job with a competitors company? Doesn’t it sound like she asked me to do that - or it was her fucktard way to think I would offer her something? Go to hell Amanda and you’re little dog too. I should have suggested a job as a crash test dummy to her… but I suspect she’d even fuck that up.

Fucktard Update! Since I wrote this post the moron emailed me the next day (8/11/06) and directly asked for a receptionist job. Now, I ask you… why would I offer you a better position with better pay if you couldn’t even do the lesser job decently? She again said she is “trying” to find one but doesn’t KNOW where to look! I guess she isn’t trying all THAT hard if she can’t find out where to look. It’s not even a logical comment duh duh duh.

I am a manager for a telecommunication type of business, in other words we work on the phone everyday accepting incoming calls. I have a toll free number where my staff can call me directly for problems and such. The number is new for me, only about 6 months old. It once belonged to a parasail company and they still had a shitload of ads plastered all over the net, so I am still getting “wrong number” calls. I had to go and actually have some of the ads removed myself because the volume was so high.

Since this is a direct number to me, I don’t answer it with anything other than “hello”. I don’t have to; my staff knows I am the only one answering. 99% of the wrong number calls don’t seem to notice that I only answer with “hello” they just go right into requesting their reservations. I have to tell them what happened, and sometimes more stupidity ensues. It has gotten to a point where I hate it when it rings, because I know it’s going to annoy me to answer either way.

Today a fucktard with out telephone manners called. I really wonder if fucktards are taught anymore what telephone etiquette is. See my mother taught me to say “I’m SORRY I dialed the wrong number”, or “Excuse me I think I dialed the wrong number”. 99% of the fucktards that dial wrong to either my work line, my cell, or even my home number just freakin’ hang up. It pisses me off. You are the idiot that can’t press the buttons right, admit it, apologize for annoying me, and THEN hang up. Its common courtesy and manners. But the world is full of fucktards and we ALL know it. They do not even know what courtesy or manners are.

This is how today’s fucktarded call went:

Vulgar Says:”Hello”

Fucktard Says: “whose this”

Vulgar Says:”Who are you calling for please”?

Fucktard Says: “I have this number 1-800-xxx-xxxx. What’s it for”?

Vulgar Says:”If you tell me who you are calling for, then I can tell you if you have the wrong number or not”

Fucktard Says: “well is this your number”?

Vulgar Says:”well yeah, I answered it”

Fucktard Says: “well what’s the number for”?

Vulgar Says:”You must have the wrong number”

Fucktard Hangs Up

Ok so let me explain why this is bad manners to other fucktards who may be reading this.

• You do not call someone and ask who THEY are. You tell them either who YOU are, or you state your fucking purpose for ringing their phone. For example: “Hello is Vulgar there”? or like this… “Hello is this a parasail company”?
• When you retardedly do the above and the person tells you how to have manners and WHY you should approach them in a specific way…. You should listen. In other words I said to the fucktard…. if you state your purpose I can answer you fucking question asshole.
• Don’t dial a damn number if you don’t know what it’s for idiots. Like…. what if you accidentally called the stupidity police and get caught? I can’t imagine ANY person with normal intelligence calling a number just to ask what it is.

As an added note …..all toll free numbers record the number you called from. So I checked and I have this fucktards number now. I think I may start calling her every day and doing the same thing to her. I wonder if she’d EVER figure it out.

OK here is something that has always bothered me. Have you ever noticed when there has been a bad car accident (or a motorcycle accident or some Fucktard fulfills their ultimate destiny and falls off of a bridge) that, when they show this on the news, the camera always zooms in on a shoe lying by the side of the road. What the Fuck. Now this is not ever a sandal or penny loafer or other type of shoe that is a slip on – it is always a tennis shoe or work boot or something that you tie. Now I have been in a couple of car accidents in my life, but during each one of these, my shoes have NEVER flown off my feet and magically went out of the window. Yet they are always on the news. My theory is that either the news people carry extra shoes in the vans (or the camera man is standing in his socks) for the purpose of pointing out just how bad this occasion was and how you should feel sorry (which in my mind makes them even bigger Fucktards than the talking heads already are) or Fucktards cannot tie their shoes. Since they cannot tie their shoes (or they can’t figure out which foot they go on so they don’t wear them and leave them on the back seat) they fly off when they do something stupid and hurt someone. In order to cut down on idiots causing bad traffic accidents, you should be able to prove that you can tie your shoes before you can get your license. That way all of the dumbasses who cannot tie their shoes will be off of the road and there will be less problems. There will most likely be very few people on the roads at that point because most of the people that I see are Fucktards in some way. This of course won’t affect the morons who fall off of bridges, but what the hell, this is just natural selection anyway.

The other issue that I have with the news is that whenever something happens, they always pick the most backasswards, toothless shit-for-brains to interview about it. If I wanted to hear an opinion about what occurred, I certainly want to hear it from someone who can put more than three fucking words together in a sentence. I think that the only reason that this happens is because either Cletus is the only one who wants to be on the news, so he can brag to the other Beverly Hillbillys, or they interview people during the day when all Non-Fucktards are doing something useful for society – like working. There is nothing better than a good ol’ out-of-work Fucktard dialog about the state of today’s world and all of its ills. They always have to make a point of saying when someone dies in a drive by shooting that “they were the nicest person” or “they never did anything to anyone” (all language and grammar semi-corrected so that it can be understood in this post of course). WRONG. If they knew you then they were just as big of a Fucktard as you are. It would probably take about ten minutes to find a lot of people who thought that they were a big dickhead and saw it coming. We all know that they wouldn’t have been punished if they hadn’t been doing something wrong. A couple of months ago I was watching a segment on the news where someone had been killed in “accidental” drive by shooting. They showed these two 900 pound women hugging each other and crying. Now I may have found this poignant and it may have touched my callous heart if BOTH of these mammoth behemoths weren’t talking on a cell phone at the same time. HOW FUCKING SHALLOW CAN YOU BE? Here you just lost someone who was supposed to be close to you. You are letting your emotions out on television, and you are calling aunt Bertha to let her know you are on TV. I hate the news.

Ok, I am surrounded daily by fucktards. I try to be patient, but they always manage to fuck up my day with their fucktard ways.

Why is it so hard to follow simple rules? If you can’t work, call someone and tell them you will be out for the day. Not fucktards, they have to use a method that no one else uses and then act like you are the asswipe that did something wrong. They finally get online to contact you 2 hours after they should have been signed on and then use illegible fonts. You tell them that their message is hard to decipher because of the fonts and then they change the color only. Of course, this goes on for about 5 minutes until I just say, just tell me the excuse and I will try to figure out what the message says. After the lame excuse, she then tells me she is an elementary school teacher. God help these kids.

I work with two major fucktards, the kind that aren’t only stupid but have bad attitudes toward everyone else more intelligent then them (which is basically everyone). So today Miss Sunshine (the bigger fuck up) loses her phone connection. We’re IN a business where we ANSWER phones, it was kinda important to have hers working, and this isn’t the first time it’s happened. It’s not even the 98^th time it’s happened, we’re talking triple digits. So, ok fucktard… again… I’ll do your damn job for you, but don’t think I won’t TRY to get revenge by making sure you aren’t paid. And she does think she will get paid, she feels entitled to it and that every damn mistake she makes is perfectly ok. But don’t dare tell her so, or she gets all sweaty angry and begin to flap her slack jawed mouth back at you. It’s hard to even fight back when you can’t understand Fucktardian language, you spend a lot of time scratching your head wondering what the hell she means. Sometimes two or three people have to decipher it and by then she’s long gone… if she isn’t wearing her government issued ankle bracelet and on house arrest or something.

So back to today’s drama. Miss Sunshine took about 40 minutes to figure out that her phone wire was bent, twisted, and destroyed. Most of us know that when the phone isn’t ringing that there can only be a few reasons why. But she did thank me for doing her job for her, at last minute notice when I had other shit to do of my own. How nice of her.

Then I had to talk to her about why she had issues with the other receptionist. Since fucktards always come out of la-la land with their fists up – it can be a bit dangerous to approach one. Carefully I brought up the subject. Quick! Tell her she isn’t in trouble before the stupidity and blame begins to flow! Ok so it all boils down to the fact that Miss Sunshine feels like everyone should be friends and ask her how her life is. She feels all we talk to each other about is work and that no one asks how her snot faced kid is. I guess the point is lost to her, which is after you are late a million times, cause trouble, mouth off to everyone, and fuck up constantly most people you work with kinda don’t care about you. Gee maybe they even begin to dislike you, duh. Good one fucktard – all we care about is avoiding you.

If she could collect disability for her stupidity she wouldn’t have to work at all and we’d all be much happier.

While driving in to work the other day, I was going through a construction zone where they have one side of the road torn up and there is about a 2 foot drop into sand and gravel. As there are some businesses along the other side of the road, there are some pathways through the torn up section so that you can get to them. I see this highly intelligent Fucktard half blocking my lane because he was too fucking stupid to see that there was a huge drop and he tried to drive across the middle of it. He plunged down so that the front of his car was stuck in the sand, the back is on the road and the middle is crunched into the road. Not even ten feet further up the road is the path that the road crews so nicely made for cars to cross over. The best part is that the only place dipshit could have been going is to the adult book store because it is the only building in that particular mile long stretch. I guess all the blood left his head to go to his little peepee and he couldn’t think straight enough to realize there was no road where he was going.

I work in a metropolitan city where I have to sit in traffic on a daily basis after work. Now when I say sit, I don’t mean that I am still the entire time. The traffic moves at 2 miles per hour while stopping and starting frequently. During this time, a lot of minor Fucktards think that they can get ahead faster by weaving in and out of lanes - usually by cutting in front of me or others, and saving maybe 2 minutes off of their time. Anyway, into this urban mess comes the royal Fucktard of the day. This mental giant is on a motorcycle wearing only a tank top, daisy dukes and sandals. She is just begging for skin grafts when someone finally does their god given duty and runs her stupid ass over or she falls off like so many Fucktards do. Anyway, to make matter worse, she decides that she will also play the “lets see how many lanes I can cut through” game. The kicker is that not only is she cutting in and out of lanes, but she’s also driving up the median and up the middle BETWEEN moving cars also cutting in and out of lanes. I know that when she gets squashed everyone will bitch that “no one driving a car looks out for motorcycles on the road” …..WAAAAH. Then some other stupid Fucktard will put one of those crosses on the side of the road for her and more Fucktards will stop to put flowers on them - thereby making MY commute longer as everyone stops to look at it. I don’t hate motorcycles - just the stupid Fucktards who drive them.